Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
