Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
