Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You need Xanax blowdarts
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
