So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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