It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
