Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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