Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
