anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
