Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There's always time for handjobs
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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