The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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