I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
