And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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