I wish my penis had an off switch
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
