Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
