I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
