Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
