I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
