Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
