wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
