Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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