Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
