12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
