Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
