i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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