So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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