Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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