Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
