He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
