im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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