I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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