Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
