Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
