a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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