Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
