I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
