Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You ruined the universe
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
