I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
