You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
