Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
