How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
bring money and cleavage
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
