Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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