I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
