i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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