Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
