So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
