You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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