my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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