Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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