also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
