We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
