my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
